Author Topic: A Couple of Little Johnny Jokes  (Read 142 times)

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Offline Aussie Challenger

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A Couple of Little Johnny Jokes
« on: May 9, 2017, 05:55:44 AM »
I always get a laugh out of Little Johnny's antics....

Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, �Dad, tomorrow there�s a special �Adults� evening� at school.

Daddy is surprised, �Really? Special?�

�Yes,� nods Johnny, �it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers.�

   *********

Little Johnny plays �shoot the apple from the head� with his friends. The first shot lands directly in his eye. �Ooowww man, you got me right in the eye!� he complains to his friend.

But the other friend also wants a go and persuades Johnny that he is a much better shot. But bingo, the second shot gets Johnny in the other eye.

Johnny gives up: �Well I�ve had it with this game, I�m going home. Mom said I should come back once it gets dark anyway.�

   *********

Teacher: "Why are you praying in class little Johnny?�
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Little Johnny: �My mom taught me to always pray before going to sleep."

   ********

Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square. The mayor sees him and asks, �Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?�
�I�m taking her to the bulls so she would get pregnant,� answers Johnny.
The mayor is shocked, �Surely your father had better be doing that?�
Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, �Nah, I think it�s really best left with the bulls.�

   *******

Little Johnny asks his mum, �Mum, do all fairy tales begin with �Once upon a time in a faraway land�?�
�No darling,� says his mother, somewhat distressed, �Sometimes, they can begin with �I�ve got too much work in the office tonight, I�ll come home later�.�

   ********

After Sunday school, the teacher released the kids to go to church and reminded them, �You all know to be very nice and quiet in the church. And why is that?�

Little Johnny offers, "Miss, it�s so we wouldn�t wake all those people sleeping."

   ********

Sunday school teacher asks Johnny, �Come now, Little Johnny, tell me the truth, do you say your prayers before eating?�
Little Johnny smiles proudly, �No Miss, there�s no need, my mom cooks really well.�

   ********

A teacher in Sunday school once asked Little Johnny, "Johnny, do you believe in the Devil?"

"No," said Little Johnny knowledgeably. "It's just like with Santa Claus. I know it's really my dad."

   ********

I asked little Johnny, 'What would you like for your birthday?'
-
He said, 'Tamp**s please.'
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I said, 'Tamp**s!? Why do you want tamp**s for your birthday!?'
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He replied, 'I saw a great TV ad. With a tamp**s you can go swimming, biking and skiing any time.'

   ********

Little Johnny is making faces at school. The teacher catches him at it and says, �You know when I was little and made faces, my dad told me a secret. And that is that when you keep making faces, your face finally can�t go back and you end up really ugly.�

Little Johnny quiets and says, �Well, at least you were warned��

   ********

Teacher: �If you had two dollars and you asked your daddy for another dollar, how many dollars would you have in the end?�

Without hesitation, Johnny answers, �Two dollars.�

Teacher isn�t happy, �Come on, Johnny, you don�t know how to count.�

Johnny shrugs, �Maybe, but I do know my dad!�

   ********

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.

Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.

Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.

Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.

He said, "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door killed himself."

   ********

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

   ********

A teacher at an infant school is doing a science lesson and asks all the children to perform an experiment of their own choosing. After the children have been busy for a few minutes, she gets to the desk of little Johnny. Johnny has a spider on his desk and she asks what he was doing.

"Well Miss, the spider's name is Herbert and watch this." Jonny then bends down to the spider and whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. The teacher is a little mystified. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes one leg. The teacher is taken aback but lets the experiment continue. Johnny again whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes another 2 legs and repeats the experiment. "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider does continue to move across the desk, a bit in a somewhat limp fashion. By this time the teacher is getting a little concerned.

The experiment continues in the same vein until Herbet, the spider, has one leg left (the teacher at this point is totally mortified). Johnny then bends down to the spider and again removes the last leg so that Herbert is now just a blob and again he whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" but Herbert doesn't move. He repeats the command again but a little bit louder. After serveral attemps, Johnny is now shouting at the spider "Run, Herbert, Run" but still no movement. Johnny then looks at the teacher and she asks "Well, Johnny, an interesting experiment, but what are you trying to prove with it?" Johnny replies, "Well, Miss, spiders with no legs are deaf"
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    Offline 16FW

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    Re: A Couple of Little Johnny Jokes
    « Reply #1 on: May 9, 2017, 04:18:07 PM »
    Good ones  ;D
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